Harvest
Theme: We have become so used to the idea that we get our food from supermarkets that even country-folk dont appreciate the work of the farmers, and the gift of God that is the food we eat.
Staging: I envisage two old men in country clothing leaning on a fence as they talk. Or they could be seated at a table in a village pub.
Cyril and Bert, come on stage. Both are dressed as country farming types, and speak with a rural accent. You can almost smell the dirt on their shoes.
CYRIL: I love harvest time Bert. Don't you?
BERT: I do Cyril. I love it.
CYRIL: A day to celebrate all the effort that goes into getting our food onto our tables.
BERT: Aye.
CYRIL: All that list making, and car parking, and trolley pushing and price comparing, and till queuing and bill reckoning and basket filling and car-boot loading. And remembering to take your own bags with you, and collecting them nectar points.
BERT: Aye Cyril, it's hard work indeed.
CYRIL: The kids of today have no idea do they?
BERT: No idea at all.
CYRIL: My grand children you know. They think it's easy. They think it's easy doing all these trips to the supermarket. But I tells 'em, when they go on about there being no more apples in the fruit bowl, I tells 'em, "They don't grow on trees you know." And that soon shuts 'em up.
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Two rather well dressed city types come together on stage. Both carry wine glasses which they raise to each other.
DUNCAN: Cheers.
NORMAN: Cheers.
DUNCAN: Lovely party. I always do love a good harvest festival 'do'
NORMAN: Me too. Me too. Lovely time of year isn't it? Very special, very special. All the fairy lights and the trimmings. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Singing carols and thinking about the little baby Jesus. And all the cards you get from....
DUNCAN: No, Norman, Norman. I think you'll find that's Christmas.
NORMAN: Is it?
DUNCAN: I'm no expert on these things but traditionally in the Christian calendar, the little baby Jesus is Christmas.
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Three actors dressed as cows are huddled in one corner, mooing as if to prompt one of their number to approach Joseph who stands centre stage looking pensive. Cow 1, finally comes over to Joseph.
Cow 1: Moo.
Joseph: Hello. You're a big fella aren't you?
Cow 1: Well I'm not a fella as it happens, but thanks for the compliment.
Joseph pats the cow's head.
Joseph: I wonder what you would say to all this if only you could speak?
Cow 1: I'd start by telling you to get your hands off my bloomin horns mate. You have no idea how much it hurts when you do that.
Joseph: It's certainly been a night hasn't it?
Cow 1: Right, well that's it basically, me and the girls, and for the record, we're all girls. It's the udders that give it away. We were wondering what on earth is going on?
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Two shepherds in middle east dress sit at a table. Shepherd 2 has a pint of beer.
Man 1: I went to listen to that Jesus of Nazareth last night.
Man 2: Yea?
Man 1: Yea.
Man 2: I was going to go but I couldn't get a ticket.
Man 1: I didn't see anything about needing a ticket.
Man 2: No?
Man 1: But then I'm a shepherd so even if I had seen something, I wouldn't have been able to read it.
Man 2: I've got that problem.
Man 1: And even if I could read, I've got no money to buy a ticket. And even if I had money I wouldn't know how much I'd got.
Man 2: You can't count either?
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A man in Biblical dress sits at a table, writing a letter.
PAUL: Paul, an apostle of Christ, by the will of God. Grace and peace to you from God our Father, and all the apostles, and saints, and Bertha, you remember her, the fat girl, from Ephesus, the one with the pigtails. Praise be to the God and Father of all compassion, whose love knows no bounds especially for the middle classes. I always pray for you with joy in my heart because I recall the great Sunday lunches that you are always able to provide us with, and the fact that you ardently seek the path towards keeping your noses clean and not ruffling anyone's feathers. Truly, it is God's will for all of us, that we get along nicely with our neighbours, in a spirit of love and truth, and "don't mind me, I'll be next door if you need me." The last time I wrote to you, there was trouble between Sheila and Fergus and the height of that leylandi bush between their gardens. I urge you brothers and sisters to resolve this conflict
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Sing of his love forever
Music leader stands with guitar at centre of stage. Sally comes on with a sheaf of papers in her hand.
SALLY: Ok, Bill, I've got it.
LEADER: You sure?
SALLY: Yea. Absolutely. I've re-written the worship song, and I'm absolutely certain our congregation will be happy to sing along.
LEADER: It was a popular song before, you know. "I could sing of your love forever". People like it. They'll notice the changes.
SALLY: They will. But they'll approve. Trust me.
LEADER: Ok. Well let's have a look then.
Sally may use overhead projector or PC projector to display the lines one at a time, or may just read them out.
SALLY: Ok, so .... "Over the mountains and the sea, Your river runs with love for me.."
LEADER: That's just the same as the original.
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Two Roman soldiers with swords and spears walk together as if on sentry duty.
SOLDIER1: By Jupiter, this must be the worst posting in the whole of the Roman army. It's so cold!
SOLDIER2: Yea. It's freezing alright. Last night was so cold, my hand got frozen to my sword. Absolute nightmare when I needed a wee.
SOLDIER1: So what did you do to deserve a posting here?
SOLDIER2: Not a lot.
SOLDIER1: Really?
SOLDIER2: No. You can't get away with doing "not a lot" in the Roman army though can you? The generals notice. The main problem was, we are supposed to be centurions right?
SOLDIER1: . Yea.
SOLDIER2: Well, there were a hundred and one of us. Someone at head office miscounted. Every time we formed ranks, I stood out like a sore thumb. When we did country dancing I never had a partner.
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A shop assistant stands at his shop counter. A couple of posters (or an introduction from a narrator) indicate it's a record/CD store from a thousand years BC. Enter customer.
Customer: Ah hello.
Assistant: Afternoon.
Customer: I was wondering if you'd got the new Psalm in yet?
Assistant: The new one?
Customer: I think it was released last Thursday. Psalm 26.
Assistant: Just a moment sir. I'll have a look. (He disappears under the counter and emerges with a scroll.) Here we are.
Customer: Can I have a listen?
Assistant: Sure. "Vindicate me oh Lord for I have led a blameless life; I have trusted in the Lord without wavering. Test me, O lord, and try me, examine my heart and my mind; for your love is ever before me and I walk continually in your truth. I do not sit with deceitful men, nor do I consort .....
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The boss is sitting in his chair behind a desk, and he is wearing an airline eye mask. There is a knock. Smith fumbles his way in to the room. He also wears an eye mask. The boss stirs.
Boss: Come in.
Smith: I think I am in.
Boss: Hello?
Smith: Hello?
Boss: Anyone there?
Smith: Is this the bathroom?
Boss: I hope not.
Smith: Are you sure?
Boss: If it is, I've just tried photocopying some papers under a toilet seat.
Smith: Sir? Is that you?
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John, wearing a long white dress, comes forward, solemnly. He places a tape deck on the floor and hits the play button. The sound of sheep bleating plays from the speakers. When the bleating stops...
John: (In his normal voice) Do not be afraid, for today. (He coughs, stoops down a little and lowers his voice) Do not be afraid. (He stoops lower and his voice deepens) Do not be afraid.
Helen: (Helen enters.) John?
John: (He straightens, embarrassed) Oh hi.
Helen: What are you doing?
John: Erm.
Helen: What have I told you before about wearing my clothes?
John: Not to do it without your permission.
Helen: And have you got my permission?
John: I didn't have time. The audition's today.
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Three actors come on stage.
STEVE: Ok Jim, Peter, thanks for coming to the drama workshop. What I'm after is a really funny sketch that we can perform at the Good Friday service.
JIM: Funny? I'm not sure about that Steve? What's funny about Good Friday?
STEVE: Well, no, I know it's not exactly a comedy classic, but there must be something.
JIM: I don't know. It's a bit......
STEVE: What if, what if, we had Peter, as the star, (He pushes Peter forward, and Peter looks proud as Steve manoeuvres Peter's arms out as if he is on the cross) stark naked, all beaten up, and bleeding, nailed to a cross in the centre of the church, and.....(Peter looks less than happy)
JIM: Whoa, hang on a minute.
STEVE: What?
JIM: Peter nailed to a cross?
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Three men enter from stage left, all wearing modern dress except each wears a crown.
BOB: How much further?
ALAN: (Looking out) I don't know. I'm sure it's over there. Maybe a mile.
CHARLES: A mile!
ALAN: Don't blame me. Your donkey had the puncture.
CHARLES: I know.
ALAN: I told you not to buy it didn't I? I told you.
CHARLES: Oh shut up. (He pushes Alan and a low level scuffle ensues)
Three men dressed more regally enter from stage right. Proper robes and crowns this time.
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Beggar
Theme: Do we give to people according to their need or according to an idea that we hold about their value?
Staging: No special staging required, though the beggar needs to dress as if he has nothing, and the posh man must dress well.
A beggar encounters a posh, suited man in the street.
BEGGAR: Spare a penny for a cup of tea guvnor.
MAN: I don't think so.
BEGGAR: (sadly) Oh.
MAN: You probably aren't even a proper beggar.
BEGGAR: A proper beggar?
MAN: I expect you've got some bed in a hostel.
BEGGAR: No ......
MAN: You probably earn more than I do.
BEGGAR: I don't th.....
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A young couple in Biblical dress turn up at an inn. She is pregnant. They knock and the innkeeper answers the door.
INNKEEPER: Morning.
JOE: Hello. Have you got a room?
INNKEEPER:
I've got loads of rooms mate.
JOE:
Oh thank goodness for that. I'll get the bags.
INNKEEPER:
I just haven't got any free.
JOE:
Oh. It's just that my wife is pregnant.
INNKEEPER:
Nothing to do with me mate.
JOE:
Well, nothing to do with me as it happens, but she is my responsibility and we need somewhere to stay.
INNKEEPER:
There is the stable.
JOE:
Ok...... Well, it's a roof isn't it?
Peter's mum is working at the kitchen. Peter enters
Peter:
Hi Mum.
Mum:
Hello. Simon.. Pete.. Simon Peter, whatever it is we have to call you these days. Had a nice day feeding the sheep?
Peter:
Mum. There aren't any sheep.
Mum:
I thought that Jesus asked you to feed his sheep.
Peter:
It was a metaphor.
Mum:
Oh.. Well have you had a nice day feeding his metaphors? Peter:
No mum. No, never mind. What's for supper?
Mum:
We're having fish. Peter:
(a bit disappointed) Again?
Mum:
Yes Simon. Peter. Since you haven't got any sheep, we can't have lamb can we?
Four people line up side by side on stage. From Left to Right, Actor 1 through to Actor 4. Every time he/she speak, Actor 4 moves a little apart from the line, imperceptible at first, but more obvious by the end.
Actor 1:
As a parent, I think it's right that God is kept out of school assemblies. Kids should make their own choices.
Actor 4:
Ok, I can see some logic.
Actor 2:
As a businessman, I tend to think business should just be about profit. Religion is a very different issue.
Actor 4:
It's a point of view.
Actor 3:
When I'm at home, I can't be doing with TV programmes that seem to have 'a message'!
Actor 4:
They are a little bit sicky aren't they?
Actor 1:
Must be honest, when I do get freetime, the last thing I want to do is pray.
Actor 4:
It's a bind isn't it, but..?
Actor 2:
You know what I think? You should never mix politics and religion.
A big man in a very smart suit stands at a table. On the table is an array of bells and horns.
Man:
Good morning. I'm from the Ecumenical Church Council of Sensitive Subjects and I'm here to talk about
Man:
Now the subject of
Man:
can be very embarrassing for some members of the church, so instead of actually saying the words
Man:
I shall be ringing this bell. I shall be doing something very similar when I discuss the related topics of
Man:
and
Man:
Now, one reason why the subject of
Man:
is embarrassing is because it is not often discussed openly in church. Many people therefore don't know if they're doing right, don't know if it's pleasing to God, and don't know how often other people are doing it. Given that this congregation represents a good mixture of society I would imagine that some of you are
Man:
more often than you probably ought to, some are doing it often enough, and some of you haven't really sorted out in your minds if and how you should be doing .
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Fish
Theme: What was the point of Jesus helping the disciples to land a big catch of fish? Was it just to impress them, to feed them, to make them rich, or to demonstrate a bigger point? What would people have made of it at the time?
Staging: Provide Peter's mother with some pans, a table and a pinafore to establish a homely setting. Otherwise not much else is needed.
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Forsaken
Theme: If God sometimes appears to be absent from our lives, it is because we have excluded HIM when it suited us to do so.
Staging: All you need is enough space for the actors to move apart from each other.
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Giving
Theme: Giving is one of those sensitive subjects for any church, but not talking about it openly means that the topic is open to even greater misunderstanding.
Staging: A desk, and several bells, whistles or hooters that can be played when needed.
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Phil stands at a podium with something that looks like a trophy.
Phil: Well, thank you very much. We now come to our next award of the evening, and our viewers have voted in their twos and threes for this one. So, the winner of the TV award for Good person of the year is (he opens an envelope) Pete Smith.
Phil leads the congregation in applause, as Pete comes to the podium. The two men embrace. Pete waves.Phil: So Pete. How's it feel to be so good?
Pete: Wow. It's amazing. It's incredible. I had no idea. I mean when I knew who I was up against. [Name a few people from your own congregation] I mean, I didn't think I had a chance.
Phil: So are you ready to say a few words?
Pete: Well you know, it's such a surprise....
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Mr Smith enters the doctor's surgery very stiffly. The doctor (God ) sits behind a desk, wearing a white coat, and stethoscope.
GOD: Hello Mr Smith. Take a seat. How can I help you?
SMITH: Thankyou God. I'd like you to heal me please.
GOD: Ah ha..... and..
SMITH: That's it.
GOD: And why would you like to be healed?
SMITH: Well, I'm not very well. There's a lot of pain.
GOD: Ah ha.
SMITH: So, I'd like to not have any pain.
GOD: Yes I can see that. Ok, let's say I heal you. What difference will it make?SMITH: Well I won't be in pain.
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Host: Good evening and welcome to Just a Moses Minute, the game show where contestants must speak for one minute on a given topic without repetition, deviation, hesitation or breaking any of the ten commandments. You know the contestants already, so Peter it's your turn to start and your word is Jam. So, please tell us something about jam, and your minute starts now.......
A buzzer soundsPeter: I love jam more than anything else.
Host: And Janice has interrupted.
Janice: You're not to love anything more than God.
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Bob sits at a dinner table. He's scruffy and rough. Janet comes through and throws a plate of food in his direction. She also looks rough. They are a most unattractive couple.
Janet: There!!
Bob: (Looking disgusted) What's this?
Janet: According to Nigella, who is like the TV chef what I am most like, it's Warm Mousseline of Sussex Duck stuffed with Cave Matured Roquefort and Fresh Harvested Walnuts with a Sauce of Sorrel Hollandaise and Julienne of Russet Apples.
Bob: You're having a laugh. There's no way that's a warm mou thing. For a start, it's cold.
Janet: So? It's not duck neither.
Bob: Well what is it?
Janet: It's bread innit?
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Two well-dressed diners are sitting at the restaurant table. A waiter comes with menus and opens one for each diner.
Waiter: Good evening sir, madam. Might I suggest the salad with a choice...
Man: Well you might, but I know what I'm having. (The man closes the menu without looking.)
Waiter: Very good sir.
Man: Just give me a burnt steak, covered in lumpy custard, frozen peas and a chocolate flake.
Waiter: Erm.
Man:
And she'll have fried bacon, fried beans, fried egg and fried toast. Only go light on the bacon. She's on a diet.
Waiter:
Yes sir. If I might suggest the salad. Chef is very
Man:
You can suggest what you like mate, I've told you what I want.
Waiter:
Very well sir. Can I get you a drink while you're waiting? We have some exceptional wines.
Two disciples walk on together.
DISCIPLE A:
So. What do you think of that then?
DISCIPLE B:
It's a big ask.He wants us to go out into the whole world and spread the gospel!
DISCIPLE A:
I know.
DISCIPLE B:
I mean, the WHOLE world. Not even the whole known world.
DISCIPLE A:
Or the bit where I go on holiday.
DISCIPLE B:
(surprised) You go on holiday?
DISCIPLE A:
Not exactly.
DISCIPLE B:
But you do go away?
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Techno
Theme: We have lots of excuses for not sharing the Gospel. But the first evangelists spread the word without any of the technology that we might use.
Staging: No special staging is required.
DISCIPLE B: What do you do?
DISCIPLE A: Once a year, I sleep the other way round in bed. or
Tramp A is sitting on a bench. Enter tramp B, who also sits. Both wear dirty clothes. Tramp A begins to wrap newspaper across his legs. Both speak in very posh accents.
TRAMP 1: Evening.
TRAMP 2: Good evening.
TRAMP 1: All ready for Christmas?
TRAMP 2: Yes, I think so?
TRAMP 1: Got all your presents?
TRAMP 2: (He shows a can of lager) Opened it already. Couldn't wait old boy. Couldn't wait.
TRAMP 1: Going away at all?
TRAMP 2: Oh yes. Yes, I've got a lovely bench in the south of the park. I always go to at this time of year.
TRAMP 1: I imagine it's a little warmer eh?
TRAMP 2: Absolutely, it's a lot warmer. Last Christmas, I'd say it was about minus ten over here, but over there, easily, easily minus nine.
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