Theme: This sketch can be performed by 2 men, or if your church has an enlightened view of God's gender, there is no reason why the voice of God should not be played by a woman. That said, the nature of the conversation is that of two men chatting about what their ideal woman would be like, with Adam having a very 21st century macho take on the idea. This is a sketch that would work well with men's groups, and can be used in marriage guidance courses to highlight our unrealistic expectations of our partners.
Staging: Given that Adam would be naked at the time of this conversation with God, you might like to think of comical ways of staging this. Have the character wearing shorts but covering himself by carrying a cardboard tree, or a big box. Or he could carry a plank of wood? Or a painting of a garden scene? Of course, if your church objects even to bare arms, then Adam should dress in normal clothes. The point of this sketch is not to re-create the creation but to talk about relationships.
A man comes on stage, a little sheepishly. The part of God can be played by a voice off-stage, or an actor may come on to play the part.
ADAM: Hello God? Lord? Its me, Adam.
GOD: Of course it is Adam. Who else could it be?
ADAM: No. Sorry. Well in a way though thats my point.
GOD: Go on.
ADAM: Well Ive just been having a look round the Garden of Edam.
ADAM: Sorry, yea, Im still getting used to the language. Sorry.
GOD: Edam is a type of cheese.
ADAM: Oh right....... Whats cheese?
GOD: Thats another project Im working on.or
Blind Mans Bluff
Theme: We always think that the impact of Jesus's physical healing would be entirely positive, and this sketch tries to challenge this assumption but not to contradict it. But when we pray for healing, what is it that we pray for? What will be our reaction to being healed? Is God there to heal us in some medical magic trick, or are we asked to work for him whatever our health? Not one for the faint hearted but worth a go.
Staging: Do not worry about Biblical dress, but do make sure your blind character has the props to go with his blindness, dark glasses, white stick. He can walk to the centre of the stage in character, and sit himself down before the second character enters.
Jacob comes on stage wearing dark glasses and carrying a white stick, or a board saying I am blind, please help me. Enter Joshua looking a little gloomy.
JACOB: Mister, mister, can you spare me a penny? Ive not eaten for days.
JOSHUA: Sorry mate, Im skint.
JACOB: Joshua? Is that you?
JOSHUA: Jacob. Grief! I didnt recognise you with your sun-tan.
JACOB: Have I got a sun-tan?
JOSHUA: Its either that or dirt. Hard to tell. Lets have a look at you. (He closes his eyes and feels Jacobs face, as a blind man would). Youve put on a bit of weight havent you? Going well is it?
JACOB: Mustnt grumble. Last couple of weeks, business has been pretty special. Takings are almost double. Not sureor
Bring it to God
Theme: This sketch is meant to be an encouragement to those who think that their prayers or their lives are not valued by God. It is also a condemnation of those who use spoken prayer as a way to make themselves seem holier, or more in touch with God.
Staging: The staging here is very simple. The three characters, who can be of any gender, should line up side by side, facing the audience/congregation. If sight-lines permit them to kneel then that will make it more obvious that they are at prayer, but it will be ok to stand. Standing will allow Christine to match her words with expansive, hollow gestures.
Three actors come on stage and line up, kneeling side by side, facing the audience.
ABIGAIL: Father God, forgive me for my sins. I have been angry with my kids when theyve done nothing wrong, Ive abused my colleagues at work, and Ive failed to support the friends that need me most, and I give too little to charity.
BOB: Heavenly father, I bow before you right now full of guilt for the bad things Ive done. I beg your forgiveness for the way Ive hurt other people, most especially for the guy I stabbed outside the night-club, four weeks ago. Father, give me the courage to go to the police and own up to what Ive done.
CHRISTINE: Lord, I really just want to come before you, Lord, and I pray Lord that you will really, just, forgive this man beside me.
ABIGAIL: Father God, I pray for patience and tolerance to deal with the problems at work that make me so angry. Give me the strength to follow your example, and to love those who hurt me. Help me to treat everyone as my neighbour and my friend.or
Feeding the 5000
Theme: Puts the familiar story into a modern sporting context. This sketch can be used to simply re-tell the old story in a new way, or perhaps to question how Jesus's activities would be covered by the modern media. Would it help or hinder Christians if Jesus were treated as a modern day sporting superstar?
Staging: If you can rig up the commentators with microphones and headphones that will help. They could stand or sit to commentate, but they must act as if they are following the action. Why not dress them in the clothes of a familiar commentator from your TV network. UK residents would recognise John Motson's skeepskin coat for example. US residents are sure to have a baseball, NFL or basketball commentator they can mimic, and so on.
Three men are seated on stage in middle east head-gear. Des sits alone to one side. John and Mark are on the other side, both wearing headphones.
Des: Shalom et salvete ad noctem-ludorum. On tonights programme, we have coverage of the gladiating live from Rome, followed by coverage of the gladiators dead from Rome. After that, therell be a feature on Lenny the Lion, hoping to defend his World Heavyweight Christian Eating Title, against Festus, the heavyweight Christian who has yet to be eaten in seventeen professional dinners so far. But Im sorry to say that we dont have coverage of tonights Scottish Cup quarter final between Celtic and Partick Thistle, because football hasnt been invented yet. So in place of that, lets go over to John Motson and Mark Lawrenfilius on the banks of the sea of Galilee.
John: Well yes indeed, thank you Des. Welcome to the sea of Galilee, where theres a huge crowd gathered here today, Id estimate at roundabout 5,000 people. And I dont think weve seen such a big crowd since John the Baptist prayed in Nazareth five years ago.or
Theme: The workers in the field parable is re-told from the worker's perspective. We understand the parable to be about God's grace in receiving those who repent late on, but do we really accept this idea for others as we do for ourselves? This sketch attempts to explore whether we truly accept that God will reward a death bed conversion to the same extent as he rewards the lifelong Christian.
Staging: His Lordship needs to dress in clothing that distinguishes him from the worker. I envisage, cloth cap, tweed (Burberry) jacket, yellow cords, cravat, monocle etc. The worker should be in overalls, suitably soiled, with sleeves rolled up.
His Lordship, a very upper class old man is on stage. Enter a labourer from the fields.
BARKER: Excuse me your Lordship, have you got a minute?
LORD FINCH: Certainly Barker, what can I do for you?
BARKER: Its about my wages my lord.
LORD FINCH: Oh dear, and whats the problem?
BARKER: Ive just been in to get my pay packet, from her ladyship, and er, its not right sir.
LORD FINCH: Oh dear, really?
BARKER: Yea, you see, when I work in the gardens, its normally six fifty an hour, for thirty five hours, which is two hundred and twenty seven pound fifty. But last week, I did thirty hours, at six pound fifty an hour, which I work out as one hundred and ninety five.
LORD FINCH: Oh dear, what did we give you?or
Martha and James
Theme: We know very little about the early years of Jesus, and how he was viewed by people around him. But parents have always compared their children against each other, so Martha and James do the same thing here. This is a gentle sketch, perhaps for use in a sermon about the character of Jesus, or with parents groups, which could act as a reminder not to put pressure on their children to be like Jesus or like any other child. It can also introduce non-Christians to a few Bible stories about Jesus in a non-threatening way, being a sketch that is more about the trials of parenthood and mother-father relationships, than it is about evangelising.
Staging: It is not obvious from the words that this is set at the time of Jesus, so Biblical dress would be useful. Otherwise, use a narrator/preacher to set the scene, by referring to the year as 30AD.
Dad is on stage drinking a glass of water. Mum comes on trying her best to look seductive, in order to win him over.
MARTHA: Darling, if youve got a few moments tonight, could you mend Jamess wooden horse. He was playing on it this afternoon, and he broke the leg.
DAD: And how did he do it this time?
MARTHA: Well, after lunch, he was pretending that he was being chased by hundreds of Roman soldiers, and it was only me really, but I made a lot of noise. But when I caught up with him and didnt arrest him in Latin, he threw a tantrum, and broke its leg.
DAD: Oh did he?
MARTHA: Now dont get angry. Its just a phase hes going through.
DAD: I know. But hes twenty five years old Martha.
MARTHA: I know, but.or
Theme: Jesus said it was easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. This sketch tries to explain why, because, compared to the poor, the rich man's life is so much more lavish and comfortable. We imagine that heaven will be a glorious banquet, but here, we question whether one man's glorious banquet is another man's cheese sandwich. This sketch will be good for any sermon preached about heaven, and for any that deals with sharing the world's resources more evenly.
Staging: Both characters will stand throughout, and will be dressed smartly. The rich man should be very smart and dripping with bling. To enhance the message that this sketch is staged in heaven a little heavenly music might help, a little dry ice if available, or you could put angel's wings on to the hotel worker.
Manager in a smart suit carries some papers in a folder. Rich man in holiday clothes enters and approaches.
RICH MAN: Ah. Are you the manager?
MANAGER: Yes sir.
RICH MAN: Good. Ive got a complaint about my room.
MANAGER: Whats the problem?
RICH MAN: According to my contract, I was supposed to have a room in Gods house prepared for me by Jesus.
RICH MAN: Well he must have forgotten.
MANAGER: I doubt it. Which room number is it sir?
RICH MAN: (Checks his key tag) Nine billion, six hundred thousand and twenty nine.or
Theme: This sketch was written for a youth group to perform as a way of introducing topics of sex and sexual morality. In our consumer age, sex has become a bit of a commodity, so the sketch uses shopping as a metaphor for sex, with a bit of a twist at the end. It is deliberately not coy, not sexually explicit and not judgemental, but the idea is to perform the sketch and then invite the actors and audience to unpick the ideas so that they decide for themselves what the message is, and what their own response to sex (and shopping) should be.
Staging: The anorak referred to in the sketch must be worn by the girl. It will help if the vicar is seated at a desk to reinforce his/her authority, and the teenage parts must be played by teenagers.
A vicar sits at his/her desk. Theres a knock on the door and Jason and Sarah enter. Jason and Sarah are in their early teens. Sarah wears a bright red anorak.
VICAR: Hello you two. What can I do for you?
JASON: Its Sarah vicar. I think Ive probably got her that is, shes. I think Ive got her .(He leans over to whisper)
VICAR: No, sorry, I missed that.
JASON: I think, Ive probably got her a new anorak.
JASON: I didnt mean to.
VICAR: A new anorak. Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
SARAH: Im dreading telling my parents.
VICAR: Yes, you must be. Theyre both quite trendy arent they?
JASON: Her dads gonna kill me.or
Theme: TV builds up sporting events as if they are the most important thing in the world. This sketch is an antidote to that philosophy challenging congregations to question whether they really should miss church because of a cup final, and also challenging all of us to see how modern media tries to manipulate us at every turn.
Staging: The set should match a TV studio setting as much as possible, comfy chairs, coffee table, interviewer on one side, two guests on the other. We have all seen how it looks on TV. Match it!
A presenter sits with sharp suited Bob and Norman at a coffee table in the sports studio.
Presenter: Good evening and welcome to the last session of tonights fascinating snooker final. With me in the studio is Bob Parsons who wasnt good enough to get past the first round, and Norman Ridge, whos been dating the producer. Gentlemen.
Bob: Hello Jennifer.
Presenter : So Norman, if I can turn to you first. What about tonight ?
Norman: No, sorry, Im still seeing Vanessa.
Presenter: I mean tonights game.
Norman: Sure, yea. Well I think it has all the makings of being a really large pay packet for all of us. I think were looking for both players to come out, maybe half an hour later than planned, make the game span out for hours and hours, and then by eleven oclock well be into overtime.or
Christians at Work
Theme: A sketch about hypocrisy in the workplace, and how we must take our Christianity to work with us, and perhaps, refuse to do certain jobs if they conflict with our faith.
Staging: Although set in Roman era, it will be quite easy to stage this with the teacher wearing track suit and trainers, and the little boy wearing shorts, shirt, tie and blazer. Do not worry about the clich of this. It is a good shorthand. If you can set up a sign behind them indicating that they are at the Colisseum in Rome that will help, or play a recording of lions roaring, cheers of a crowd, and screams of the victims!
A Roman official comes on stage, with a clipboard.
ROMAN: Alright you lot. Move along, come on, come on, get in line.
Enter Flavius, in school uniform (with others if you have enough actors). He raises his hand meekly.
FLAVIUS Er sir.
ROMAN: What is it boy?
FLAVIUS: I cant do games in the Colisseum today sir. Ive forgotten my kit.
FLAVIUS: Ive forgotten my kit sir.
ROMAN: You dont need any kit.
FLAVIUS: And Ive got a verooca. Ive got a letter from my mum. (He passes over a letter.)
ROMAN: (Reads) Dear Corporal, Flavius can not do being eaten by the lions today, because he has a verooca, love his mum. Did you forge this Flavius?or
Theme: Another sketch about unrealistic expectations, and why we should not view beauty as being only skin deep. This is a sketch that can be used with church singles/youth, again as an introduction to the issues of finding a partner and of how we view each other as (attractive) human beings. It is particularly directed at male perceptions of physical beauty. Contains some strong language.
Staging: The male character is supposedly short, so it would be good to have him sitting down so that the female interviewer can stand over him and dominate him. If he can cower and otherwise look quite small that will help.
Mr Gregson is sitting on a chair. Miss Phillips returns with a form.
PHILLIPS: Well thank you for completing our dating agency application form Mr Gregson. Very revealing, and unfortunately, I dont think were going to find anyone on our books wholl be interested in seeing you.
GREGSON: (Disappointed) Oh.
PHILLIPS: Yes unfortunately, in just about every category your short-comings, and I use the word in its widest possible sense, are all too apparent.
GREGSON: In what way?
PHILLIPS: Well in the most obvious way, Mr Gregson. You are in fact, too short.
GREGSON: Too short for what?
PHILLIPS: Well for a woman Mr Gregson. You see regardless of her own height, and indeed anything she may otherwise claim, a woman is looking for a man who is tall.or
Theme: This sketch takes the format of a TV documentary revealing how one character got involved in Christianity, but using the imagery of drug abuse to tell the story. It could be used as a way to introduce a youth group to a discussion about drug use, or as a reminder that Christianity is viewed with suspicion by many people. It might be used in a personal testimony service to break the ice, and also as an encouragement that no soul is lost, and little things can lead people slowly towards faith.
Staging: All the characters may stand for this. If it is possible to highlight the speaker then do so, otherwise the cast can step forward when it is their turn to speak, and back when not needed.
Reporter comes on stage carrying a microphone.
REPORTER: Good evening. Tonight, on Panorama, we examine the case of John.
John comes forward wearing a hoodie that covers his face. He holds a bottle.
REPORTER: To protect his identity, weve changed Johns name. His real name is Derek Bridges. To look at John walking through the street, you might imagine he was the same as any other teenager, but John is different, he has a problem, because John is a Christian. John, thanks for agreeing to talk to us..
JOHN: Thats alright.
REPORTER: I wonder if I might ask you to describe how you first got into religion?
JOHN: I was about fifteen. I think it was over a period of days. It wasnt immediate. First of all, I just started watching a bit of Songs of Praise on tele. I never meant to watch it, I was just flicking over after Heartbeat.or
Theme: Is the Bible truly an instruction manual as some Christians appear to believe. And is it really much use in helping us to deal with difficult issues? Well in the hands of the wrong people it is not, and as Christians we must be careful how we use scripture, and must resist the temptation to quote pat references when what is really needed is compassion, a listening ear, and a Godly heart.
Staging: The two characters can stand throughout. Bill should remain serene and unruffled whereas Sally should become more and more agitated.
Bill is on stage. Sally comes on looking troubled.
SALLY: Bill, have you got a moment.
BILL: Sure Sally. For you, any time.
SALLY: Look, youre someone who seems to understand what God wants.
BILL: I try to immerse myself in the word, if thats what you mean.
SALLY: Well, thats what I thought. Its just that, Im just in a bit of a dilemma. My sisters going out with this guy and, well, hes just not right for her. I dont know what to do.
BILL: Have you tried reading the Bible? Its full of good advice.
SALLY: Well thats my problem, Ive never found the answer to anything in the Bible.
BILL: Oh its there. Trust me, its there. Romans 15. 4. For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures, we might have hope.or
Theme: Many people are tempted to mix and match Christianity with other faith ideas in order to create the religion to suit them. Whilst acknowledging that we are all at different places in our relationship/journey with God, we must take care not to be like the woman in this sketch who chooses her religious ideas in the same way as she might choose her outfits.
Staging: The shopper should be dressed in an outfit that allows the shop attendant to fiddle with bits! Apart from that, a full length mirror will help to suggest the shop setting. The attendant could have a tape measure round her neck.
ASSISTANT: Oh yes, now that is so you.
WOMAN: Do you think so?
ASSISTANT: Oh yes. Ive never seen a new religion fit someone so well.
WOMAN: (Checking her bottom) Do you think my sin looks big in this?
ASSISTANT: Oh no. No, no, no. No, I think it hides it pretty well.. by accentuating your good points. Your sin looks perfectly peachy.
WOMAN: You dont think its a bit restricting?
ASSISTANT: In what way?
WOMAN: Well, you know, I like to go out with the girls on Friday night. Few Bacardi breezers, snog as many blokes as I can. It feels like I cant even dance in this.
ASSISTANT: Well you can dance just not on the table.
WOMAN: Right. Could we not let it out a bit? Not too far. I mean I like it, its just.. and the length.or
Theme: Do we really care about third world trade and how our products are made? It is all very well buying a bit of fair trade chocolate to ease our conscience, but what about everything else we buy? This sketch is unapologetic for being brutal at times, but will be good for any service concerning our responsibilities to other countries in matters of trade/exploitation.
Staging. The shop keeper needs to stand behind a table, but he can imply the presence of display cases. A few jewellery boxes will be necessary though so that he can show rings to the girl. The couple must act as if they are in love.
A young couple enter a jewellery shop and pretend to look at the goods on offer. She is extremely excited, and will maintain her excitement throughout.
ALISON: Oh darling, look at the beautiful rings. Oh my gosh, look at that one, and that one, oh, and that is GORGEOUS! Oh that one, that one! Please darling.
JEWELLER: Good afternoon.
ALISON: I wanna see that one.
JEWELLER: Certainly madam. A most excellent suggestion. For an engagement perhaps? So here we have a single diamond set in emeralds. Twenty four carat gold, three thousand pounds, and only seventeen slaves died in the diamond mine in order to retrieve it.
ALISON: (A bit disappointed) Only seventeen?
JEWELLER: (Equally disappointed) Only seventeen. We have more over here.or
Theme: It is easy for us to blame the third world for their own problems, especially when those problems manifest themselves as increased immigration, hunger and AIDS. This sketch is just a reminder that we are not better just because we are richer. This sketch could be used by a youth group as an introduction to third world problems and first world problems of teenage pregnancy. But it is also a sketch about how we are all sometimes guilty of failing to see our own faults and blaming others for our problems.
Staging: No special staging is required.
Rick is on stage reading a newspaper. Dave comes on.
Dave: Now then Rick, alright?
Rick: (Fed up) Me and Susan have just got engaged actually.
Dave: Really? You popped the question?
Rick: Yeah. I said those four little words shes been waiting to hear, You're not are you?
Rick: fraid so.
Dave: Are you sure it's hers?
Rick: You what?
Dave: Nothing!. Gosh, you're getting married. How did it happen?
Rick: Well. You know don't you?or
Theme: Our 24hour news programming can make it seem like the world faces one crisis after another and that things have never been worse. This sketch is intended as an antidote to that fear, by poking fun at the way news reporting heightens the anxiety of viewers and listeners.
Staging: The newsreader should sit at a desk to one side, so that the reporter can deliver her piece from some distance away. The reporter should have a microphone.
A reader sits at his desk. On the opposite side of the stage is Jennie Krantz, a reporter.
READER: Good evening, here are tonights headlines.
Sound effect: Bong!
READER: New bong noise at start of headlines creates panic amongst viewers.
Sound effect: Bong!
READER: Prime minister denies accusations that he wore an offensive tie.
Sound effect: Bong!
READER: Wed all be killed by Martians if they existed say scientists.
Sound effect: Bong!
READER: And were not splitting up say the Queen and Prince Philip.or
O Little Town of Bethlehem
Theme: Takes the words and metre of the original carol and catapults it into modern day Palestine. This is a thoughtful poem that can be used in any service that deals with middle east politics, or wants to put the Christmas story in the context of current events. After all, Palestine was an occupied territory when Jesus was born, just as many argue it is an occupied territory now.
Staging: This poem requires a reader, perhaps even from the pulpit.
This is best done as a poem or a solo Oh little town of BethlehemHow still we see thee lie Above thy deep and dreamless sleep Israeli tanks drive by And in the dark street hideth A kid brought up to fight He wants to kill, and so there will Be ten more slain tonight
Theme: We are so familiar with the Lords Prayer that we can say it without thinking, and often without meaning it. Hence this amended version should persuade us to reconsider what the prayer is saying and how we might already be failing to live up to its expectations and the promises we make when we pray it. This sketch can be used in any service prior to the congregation saying the prayer for real.
Staging: A character should come forward and pray to the congregation, but it must be clear that the congregation is not to join in!
An actor comes to the front of the stage.
Actor: Our father, who art in heaven, which means Im not really sure youre going to hear this anywayHallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, and thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven, unless thats going to make my life a bit too difficult, in which case I wonder if we might reach some sort of compromise, like your will Monday to Friday, and mine at the weekend? Or maybe I can have a couple of hours every evening? Give us this day our daily bread, which Im taking to or
Theme: A good sketch for church courses on marriage and relationships, as well as any service that deals with our relationship with and expectations of God. A woman visits a relationship counsellor with God, levelling the kind of criticism at God that she might level at her husband. People will recognise themselves in the couple, and ultimately will recognise how we sometimes demand things from God that are selfish and ridiculous.
Staging: The counsellor needs to be able to sit one side of a table, and the couple opposite her. Be careful to position tables and chairs, so that all characters can face out to the audience.
Man and woman sit nervously at desk. Enter a counsellor, with a file, who sits opposite.
COUNSELLOR: Sorry to keep you. Its my first day. I got lost in the corridors. Well, welcome. Mr & Mrs?
MAN: No, were not married.
COUNSELLOR: Oh, ok. Cohabiting?
MAN: Not exactly.
COUNSELLOR: Right. Well, welcome, anyway, to Relationship Counselling. Is this your first time?
WOMAN: It is for me yea.
COUNSELLOR: And you sir?
MAN: No, Ive done it a million times.
COUNSELLOR: Right? Ok, well what we normally do, so we can get everything out in the open is I invite each of youor
Theme: Just talking to people and listening to them, and offering practical help is always a better way to introduce them to Jesus than thrusting religion at them in the street. This is a great sketch for a church to encourage its congregation into quiet, practical, everyday evangelism and to remove the fear that evangelism requires some charismatic preacher and an ability to convert total strangers!
Setting: The two characters can simply meet and talk at the front of the congregation.
An evangelist is on stage. Another man walks towards him in a hurry.
EVANGELIST: Brother. Can I ask you, do you know where youre heading?
BLOKE: . Well, if youll let me pass, I was planning to go to Homebase.
EVANGELIST: But do you know if youre going to Hell?
BLOKE: Well, that depends on the queues.
EVANGELIST: Oh sir, I fear you are going to Hell.
BLOKE: This isnt some marketing gimmick dreamt up by B&Q is it?
EVANGELIST: Sir, I must ask you. Do you know Jesus?or
Theme: A sketch about the dangers of trying to lead someone to faith simply by giving them a Bible. This will work best at a church weekend/church concert just as a piece of entertainment.
Staging: The character Kenny should be young, spotty and quite dishevelled. I see him wearing a big coat and carrying a reporters notebook!
A scruffy young man comes on stage, with a notepad and pen.
Kenneth: Good evening. My name is Kenneth Lewis, and Im an investigative reporter for the (insert the name of your local newspaper), and this week Ive been investigating Jesus. Who is he? What is he? Where is he?Why is he? How is he? Is he? Right, well, I dont really know much about Jesus, so to start my investigation, I thought I know, Ill ask the vicar whose like the only professional Christian I know. Well, hes not like him, he is him. So, thats what I did, I went to see the vicar. So, I didnt go by car, because, a) he lives four doors away, and it wouldnt be environmentally friendly, and b) I havent got a car.. And c) I cant drive, and I didnt want to waste time, like having lessons, and tryingor
Theme: Evangelism is best done over a meal. In fact, sharing food is a strong theme of the Bible. There is something deeply spiritual in sharing a meal, and that is true for the whole of humanity, not just Christians. This sketch simply illustrates how to serve up a tasty morsel of Christianity along with the main course!
Staging: A table with a few pots and pans should be enough to set the scene in the couples kitchen. A little sampling of the food during the sketch would not go amiss.
Jennifer is in the kitchen stirring a pot. Bill snuggles up behind her.
BILL: Mmm. That smells nice. What are we having?
JENNIFER: I thought wed start with something light. Maybe a few anecdotes. Nothing fancy, just a couple of nice memories tossed in a light sauce of fellowship. Or I wondered about a morsel of agape wrapped in a fresh leaf of sincerity. Or just toast and patter?
BILL: They all sound good to me.
JENNIFER: Well. I dont want to serve up anything too heavy. Not for starters.
BILL: Well listen, anything will be better than what Tony gave us last Christmas.
JENNIFER: Grief yea. That gossip was well past its sell by date.
BILL: And those judgements. Tough, tough, tough.
Then the pudding.
Theme: This is just a fun sketch for a church weekend or concert. It is not especially trying to say anything spiritual, it is just having a laugh at the problems faced by missionaries who are lost in the jungle.
Staging: A few props are needed such as a table, chairs and diary. The leader needs cold weather gear, and Algy needs his swim suit.
Forster sits at a table writing his log book. He wears mountaineering gear for cold weather.
Forster: Dear diary. Our team of missionaries arrived here 18 days ago on our mission to take the Gospel to the tribes of the Sherpas believed to live in the upper limits of the Himalayas. However, we have been unable to proceed further due to severe weather conditions and an acute fear of heights. It is also very slippy outside, and wed be fools to chance it. Morale is pretty low, so Ive called a meeting of Algy, Ginger and myself to discuss our situation.
Algy and Ginger enter. Ginger is dressed for the beach.
Forster: Ah. Algy, Ginger. Sit down.
There are no chairs.
Forster: So whats the situation?
Algy: Pretty rough.
Ginger: A few complaints.or
Theme: What do we want from our religion? Are we looking just for something for the weekend, or something to take us on a longer journey. Using car sales as a metaphor for our religious experience, this is a nice sketch for asking a congregation what their faith really means to them.
Staging: No special staging is required.
A sharp-suited salesman smiles charmingly as a timid lady approaches.
SALESMAN: And a very good afternoon to you madam. What can I do you for?
LADY: Im looking for a religion.
SALESMAN: Course you are madam. Wouldnt be here if you werent would you?
LADY: Only I dont really know what Im looking for.
SALESMAN: No problem. No problem. Just for yourself is it? Little run around for the weekend, or are you looking for something with a bit more aarrrhhh?
LADY: I dont mind. So long as its reliable.
SALESMAN: Theyre all reliable madam. Ive tested all these religions personally, and theres a three month parts and labour warranty on everything we sell.
LADY: Well thats good to know.
SALESMAN: I wouldnt sell it unless I believed in it madam.or
More about each sketch in Volume 2
Theme: Its tempting to think that when Jesus gave his commission to the disciples theyd have responded positively. But as Matthews gospel clear states, there wasnt likely to be much fun involved in being a disciple of Jesus. It would be a demanding and thankless task. This sketch can be used as a sermon illustration and also a reminder to all Christians that following Jesus isnt an easy ride.
Staging: Biblical dress should be worn if possible. The two characters should enter from opposite sides of the stage, and whereas the original invitation to dinner should be delivered with enthusiasm for welcoming a friend, by the end of the sketch, Joseph should be a good deal more reticent about receiving Thaddeus at his house.
Thaddeus is on stage, looking ever so slightly worried. Joseph hurries on. To set the time of the style20, both could wear middle east head-dress and gowns.
JOSEPH: Alright Thaddeus?
JOSEPH: The missus wants to know if you can come to our place for dinner next Thursday?
THADDEUS: Next Thursday? Im not sure.
THADDEUS: Id like to, but..
JOSEPH: Whats the problem?
THADDEUS: Well, Im not being ungrateful or anything, but Jesus has just had me in with all the other disciples, and hes given us the authority to drive out evil spirits and to heal every disease and sickness.or
Theme: Jesus often answered questions with more questions. Thats fine for us now as we sit in our pews analyse the words over and over. But what was it like at the time? How easy was it for people to understand Jesuss teaching? A sketch to be used as part of a sermon illustration and a reminder that people have often struggled to understand what Jesus had to say.
Staging: Biblical dress should be worn if possible. The two characters need only walk on and walk off together.
Daniel and Levi enter together in deep discussion. Both are dressed as Jewish disciples (they are actually disciples of John the Baptist).
DANIEL: Well, that was an eye-opener.
LEVI: Was it? I didnt understand a word Jesus said.
DANIEL: Well, no, I didnt understand a word but thats why it was an eye-opener.
DANIEL: I must say I do prefer the way that John the Baptist will actually answer the question that you ask him, rather than answering the question that you didnt ask him.
LEVI: Im not sure Jesus even answered the question we didnt ask him. He just asked a lot of other questions.
DANIEL: Yea. I didnt like that.
LEVI: Its not like it was even that difficult a question that we asked.
DANIEL: Well, no it wasnt, was it?or
Theme: A new take on the familiar story of two men who built houses, one on the rock and one on sand. Here, two professional looking builders offer to construct a mans house without foundations after convincing him theyre not necessary. This sketch can be used as a sermon illustration or just for entertainment.
Staging: The house owner should come centre stage with a bucket and sponge and establish through mime that he is washing a car. The builders can then join him. They should indicate the house as being somewhere out in the middle of the congregation/audience.
The first page can not be shown for copyright reasons.
Theme: God gave us a garden to tend for his service and our pleasure. Only when our heads were turned by sin did we find our work in the garden hard. This sketch takes the theme of the Adam and Eve story and strips it of the gender bias then updates it to be a parable for all of us about how we view our work and how our attitude creates contentment or dissatisfaction. This sketch is a useful sermon illustration on doing Gods work with pleasure.
Staging: Adam should be in modern gardening clothes, using modern implements to dig his garden. The two salesmen should dress in sharp suits. Circling Adam will create the impression of confusion and bewilderment that the salesmen will use to their advantage in making the sale.
The first page can not be shown for copyright reasons.
Theme: Do you think Noah had an easy time of telling his family that he was going to build an ark? This sketch is ultimately about having the courage to listen to God and to do what he asks of us in the face of criticism and doubt from others. It uses Noah as an example, but can be used as a sermon illustration for any topic about trusting God.
Staging: Try dressing Noahs wife as a dowdy housewife, and give her a pan and dishcloth to suggest shes working in the kitchen when Noah returns home. He should be dressed as if ready for a rain shower, and should present Mrs Noah with an umbrella as if he were giving her flowers. (see video on the website)
Mrs Noah is in the kitchen. Noah comes home carrying an umbrella.
MRS NOAH: Hello Noah. Had a nice day at work?
NOAH: Erm? (He makes as if to give her the umbrella)
MRS NOAH: Thats nice dear. What is it?
NOAH: Im going to call it an umbrella.
MRS NOAH: What does it do?
NOAH: Right, well you know when it rains?
MRS NOAH: Rains? It never rains round here.
NOAH: No, I know it doesnt normally rain, but.
MRS NOAH: Its dry, dry, dry.or
Theme: This sketch is really about lust and trust in relationships, and could be used either to illustrate a sermon on the story of Samson, or as part of a marriage course. The sketch is true to the lustful theme of Samsons story, so there are mild sexual references.
Staging: In the Bible Samson was a big man, so you need to find a big man to play the part of Samson. And Delilah was a temptress so that also places some restrictions on who can play the role.
A man comes on stage wearing a long wig of hair, tied in seven braids. Hes followed by a beautiful woman, who is trying to seduce him.
DELILAH: Oh come on Samson.. tell me.
DELILAH: Come on. Please.
DELILAH: Ill cook you a nice dinner.
SAMSON: Do you think Im stupid?
DELILAH: (She clearly does) What makes you say that?
SAMSON: Because when I told you that my strength could be taken away if I was tied by seven fresh thongs, the next day I woke up, and Id been tied by seven fresh thongs.
DELILAH: Yea well. That was coincidence.or
A Gift at Christmas
Theme: God's gift to the world of a baby is the most surprising gift that any of us might receive. In this sketch, a couple literally receive a baby as a Christmas gift, and then pass it on to charity collectors who come to their door. Its a slightly surreal way of challenging an audience/congregation to receive Jesus at Christmas, and also to pass him on to others.
Staging: Without constructing a set, you must find someway to establish the inside and outside of the couples house. Is there some permanent fixture at the front of the church that will serve as a front door/outside wall?
The first page can not be shown for copyright reasons.
Theme: If Father Christmas got the sack, and was thrown out on the street at Christmas we'd all be shocked. So wy have we let the same thing happen to God?
Staging: You'll need a father christmas costume.
The first page can not be shown for copyright reasons.
Theme: Every year we get Christmas cards illustrated with paintings of the Nativity scene. They all present an idealised picture of serenity, peace and calm. This sketch is an antidote that cosy, unrealistic picture as the first artist comes in to capture the scene and tries to deal with the chaos in the stable. Its a nice sermon illustration and a new way of telling the Christmas story.
Staging: This sketch requires a competent solo performer. He needs to set his easel to the front of the stage and look out to the audience/congregation as if they are the nativity scene he is painting. He should get more irritated as more people join the scene.
An artist comes on stage with an easel and some paints.
Artist: Im sorry, Im sorry I came as quickly as I could. My, my, my, such traffic in the street. A donkey has jack-knifed on the main road, and theres a tail-back for blocks. Flipping Romans! This census has created chaos. So many people. So many people, coming and going.
He sets up his easel, and faces out to the congregation.
Artist: Now, anyway Im here. I went to the inn but he said you were out here. So, I can see the mother and the baby, but which one of you is the babys father?. None of you? Ok, ok, its not for me to judge. Which is the man shes living with? You sir, well move in a little bit closer. Dont be shy. Youre important as well. And who are these people? Are you the relatives?. Youre shepherds! Ok, ok, its more usual to have close relatives, but hey, Im just the artist. I just ask you to stand still and stop scratching. In fact, Id quite appreciate it if youd stop all bodily functions. Especially you sir. Ok, so lets talk about the composition. First question, do you want the cows in the picture or dont you?..or
Theme: A telling of the Christmas story from the shepherds perspective, demonstrating the simple humanity of the boy who would grow up to be the Good Shepherd, and the divinity of the boy whose coming was announced by the Heavenly Host.
Staging: Dress the shepherds in Biblical clothing and if possible have them sit high up looking down on the congregation/audience as if they are half way up a hill.
Three shepherds are sitting by a fire warming their hands.
Shepherd 1: (In a very matter of fact way, with a very rural accent) I had one of them angels of the Lord come visit me last night.
Shepherd 2: Really?
Shepherd 1: Yea. Not a sight you see every day.
Shepherd 3: You sure it wasnt your missus?
Shepherd 1: No, you couldnt mistake my missus for an angel of the Lord. Not even if you were really drunk. And I wasnt even a little bit.
Shepherd 3: So what did he want with you?
Shepherd 1: Well, I was watching my flock, cos there was nothing else on.
Shepherd 3: TV no good?or
The Little Baby Jesus
Theme: Two actors auditioning for roles in the nativity play debate whether our saccharine, Christmas card view of the nativity is an accurate representation of the harsh way that Jesus was born into this world. This sketch should be used as challenge to the congregation to appreciate Christs suffering as a child as well as his suffering as a man.
Staging: The actor playing the inn-keeper should sit rehearsing his lines, before the second actor enters, dressed in the worst cow costume you can create. Rather than buy a costume, try covering a white shirt with black patches, create some horns out of card board, and use a rubber glove as an udder!
Character A sits on stage with a cup of coffee, reading a script. Enter character B wearing a really poor costume representing a black and white cow.
CHARACTER A: Hi.
CHARACTER B: Hi. (B sits alongside A)
CHARACTER A: Here for the audition?
CHARACTER B: Yea.
CHARACTER A: What as?
CHARACTER B: (Indignant) Im a cow.
CHARACTER A: Are you?
CHARACTER B: Yea. What about you?
CHARACTER A: Innkeeper.
CHARACTER B: Oh speaking part.or
Theme: The wise men go shopping in a sketch that explains the significance of gold, frankincense and myrrh, and why they were given as gifts to a baby.
Staging: Use a table to create a counter in the shop, and dress the wise men in regal crowns and robes.
A lady stands behind the counter of a shop. A bell rings, and three men enter. Magi 1 must be elderly, or at least appear so.
Magi 1: Oh hello. I wonder if you can help me. Were looking for suitable presents for a child.
Lady: Your child?
Magi 1: Sorry Im a little deaf.
LADY: I said is it your child.
Magi 1: At my age? Not likely.
LADY: A friend?
Magi 1: Not exactly.
LADY: Grandson? Niece.
Magi 1: Were not related.
LADY: Well what sort of age?or
Theme: Sometimes we are so obsessed with our own trivial issues that we fail to listen to others who may be having an even more difficult time. This sketch is a simple illustration of how we need to switch off the noises in our own head in order to hear what others have to say.
Staging: Alice might be sitting as George enters. The main point is that they do not enter together.
Alice is on stage. George comes on wearing a hat and coat.
ALICE: Hi, how was the service?
GEORGE: Ah.. It could have been better. Could have been worse.
GEORGE: Though its fair to say it could have been quite a lot better, and not much worse.
GEORGE: Im not sure which is better. To go to a service expecting it might be better, and finding its worse, even though it still ends up being better than it might have been.
GEORGE: Or, if its better to go expecting it to be worse, and it turns out better, even if its still worse than it ought to be.
ALICE: George, your mum called.or
Calling on God
Theme: This sketch is about the frustration of unanswered prayer and also about our wrong expectations about how to use prayer. We sometimes treat prayer as if we can call a helpdesk for an immediate solution. This sketch shows what it would be like if God treated prayer in the same way, and could be used to illustrate any sermon on prayer.
Staging: This sketch only requires an actor to come front of stage and to kneel. If the church has a PA system, use it to carry the voice of the receptionist.
An actor comes on to stage and facing the audience gets to his knees to pray.
Actor: Lord, this is your servant Denis calling. Please Lord, hear my prayer.
Voice: (from off stage an electronic voice) All of our operators are busy at the moment. Your prayer is important to us and will be answered shortly. Please hold. All of our operators are busy at the moment. Your prayer is important to us and will be answered shortly. Please hold. All of our .
Actor: Oh not again.
Voice: Your prayer is important to us and will be answered shortly. Please hold.
Actor: Every time I time I try to pray you never seem to be there. I try in the morning, in the afternoon, at night. Some of us have got work to do you know!
Voice: All of our operators are busy at the moment. Your prayer is Thank you for calling the Lord God Almighty.or
Hear My Prayer
Theme: A simple sketch about listening to God, and how we often dont! Can be used in any sermon on prayer, or at the start of a prayer group session.
Staging: This sketch only requires an actor to come front of stage and to kneel. If the church has a PA system, use it to carry the voice of God.
The actor (male or female) comes to face the audience, and assumes a prayerful pose.
Actor: Oh Lord, I come before you this evening, desperate to hear your voice, longing to know that you are close at hand and listening to my prayers. Lord, answer me this evening. I need to know you are near by, and that you care about my troubles.
Voice: Be still my child, and know that..
Actor: (interrupting) Lord, speak to me now, in the silence of this room. Help me to hear you above the clamour of everyday worries and concerns.
Voice: Right, are you ready now?
Actor: Lord, I cry out to you,
Voice: Yes and I cry out to you!or
More Like Jesus
Theme: Parents may want their children to be more like Jesus, but we sometimes forget that Jesus was a complex character, with humble (and dubious) beginnings, hated by some, and by no means appreciated by everyone during his time on earth (any more than he is appreciated now). A good sketch for discussing who Jesus really was and what he was like.
Staging: This sketch is written as if for children but will be funnier if played by adults dressed as children.
A group of children come rushing onto the stage. (The parts could be played by adults pretending to be children)
A: I love going to Sunday school.
B: Me too.
A: I love going home again. Its the bit in the middle I dont always get.
B: Do you think Jesus went to Sunday school?
A: Not really.
B: Then why does our teacher keep telling us we should be more like Jesus! If he didnt even go to Sunday school.
A: And he never had to help wash the car, and he didnt have piano lessons, and he didnt get homework.
C: If were supposed to be like Jesus then we shouldnt have been born in a hospital either.or
Theme: A sketch for a church in-house entertainments evening, exposing the little rivalries that we all bring to church. As the music group prepares to play, we hear what they really think about their pianist and about the congregation.
Staging: The group will have to assemble around instruments, though they do not have to play anything. It will be better for church morale if your real music group members dont play the parts of themselves.
The music group comes on stage. Dave has a guitar. Pete has a bass guitar. Gerry goes over to the piano, and Sylvia goes to the microphone.
DAVE: Right everyone, before the congregation arrives, I think we should pray. Ok? Just a time of open prayer, where we can bring our worship to God, ask him to bless what were trying to do for Him this evening.
SYLVIA: Yea, absolutely.
DAVE: Great. (They all gather round and close their eyes) Lord, I bring this group of musicians before you this evening, and I just pray that you will bless our efforts in your name, and prevent Gerry from constantly hitting the wrong notes on the keyboard.
Gerry opens his eyes and looks shocked, but says nothing.
SYLVIA: Lord let our music be an inspiration to this congregation, and help Gerry to understand that this isnt a rock concert.or
Theme: A sketch about evangelism, encouraging Christians to share their faith with the same enthusiasm that non-Christians (and Christians) share their passion for other things in life. It could be used as part of a sermon illustration or as part of a church entertainment evening.
Staging: I envisage this sketch set in an office. Arthur is sitting at his desk working. Bill comes in with a cup of coffee as if returning from the drinks machine.
Arthur is sitting at his desk in work clothes. Enter, Bill, whistling.
Arthur: Hi Bill. Sounds like someone had a great weekend?
Bill: Brilliant. Saturday afternoon we went to the theme park with the kids.
Bill: Brilliant. You just gotta go there. The killer thriller. Phoar! What a ride. Man, I thought I was going to lose all of my insides. You've got to do that. Get yourself down there and give it a try.
Arthur: You think?
Bill: Yeah. Scared me half to death. And they do great burgers as well. The triple whopper with cheese and fries. That is some burger. You've gotta try one.
Arthur: Sounds nice!
Bill: Ah man. Then, and then, when you've done the killer thriller, and had a triple whopper, you must go on the corkscrew spleen Buster. That is one magnificent ride.or
Theme: We always question God when things go wrong, but what about when things go well? This is a sketch to illustrate how we need a little more honesty to appreciate the things that we have, be they friends, partners, parents, possessions, jobs etc. It also shows we need more honesty to realise that bad things are also a part of life and not a punishment from God.
Staging: The girls in this sketch could be in their office, in a corridor, sitting on a park bench. Stage it according to your own facilities.
Janice is sitting on stage, looking a little gloomy and perplexed. Sharon joins her.
Sharon: Hi Janice. Is everything ok?
Janice: Youve heard about my job I suppose?
Sharon: No. No I havent. Whats happened?
Janice: Just when I thought everything was going ok.
Sharon: Oh no.
Janice: Id finally got the hang of it. Made some friends.
Sharon: Have they laid you off?
Janice: Ive been promoted.
Sharon: (Not sure how to react) Oh!
Janice: Why me Sharon? Why me?or
Theme: Another sketch for a church entertainments evening. We all have our favourite songs and hymns, and a few we dont like. This sketch is a reminder that every hymn and chorus has the potential to encourage someone in the congregation and we shouldnt dismiss the songs we dont like.
Staging: This sketch only needs a chair and a guitar!
Eric is sitting on a chair with a guitar and a notebook. Every now and then he plays a couple of chords. Hes clearly composing. Enter Helen.
HELEN: Hi Eric, hows it going?
ERIC: (Excitedly) Yea, brilliant. (Brightly) Well, ok! .. (Seriously) Slowly.. Ive got the first two lines.
HELEN: Can I hear them?
ERIC: Not the music. Just the lines.
HELEN: Thats fine.
ERIC: Ok. You wont laugh.
HELEN: No. I think its great what youre doing. We need some new worship songs. Not something everyone can write.
ERIC: Well, I havent, yet. But I will. And Ive made a good start. (He picks up the book hes been writing in.) Right, ready? ..Right.. ok.. but you know its without the tune. The tune will make a difference you see? Right.okor
Bless the Rich
Theme: A sketch about poverty, and inequality. Its envisaged as a discussion between two third world women who pity the rich who have everything and appreciate nothing. A good sketch for any service dealing with third world issues and your churchs commitment to poverty. Its also a good sketch for asking your congregation to assess whether it is indeed the meek who inherit the earth, and if their own riches are actually worth having.
Staging: This is potentially a difficult sketch to stage because there is a danger of presenting a stereotype of the third world. Consider turning the characters into examples of first world poverty, dressing them in ragged clothing.
Two female characters should look as poor as possible! Maria is on stage crying. Abi comes on to comfort her.
ABI: Martha, please dont cry.
MARTHA: But Abi, Im so very, very sad.
ABI: I know Martha. But today we will eat. I promise you we will eat.
MARTHA: I am not sad for me. I am sad for all the rich people.
ABI: You have so much compassion for others.
MARTHA: But how do they survive?
ABI: I dont know Martha.
MARTHA: . We must pray for them. Pray for all the rich people. Pray that God will help them with their problems. Can you imagine how hard it must be to wake every morning, knowing that you must decide whether to have a bath or take a shower, and then, and then, you need to think what to have for breakfast. Yoghurt, or muesli or toast, or bacon.or
Theme: A sketch that challenges us to question our commitment to the charities and causes that we claim to support. Do we live our lives in a way that contradicts our faith and/or our charitable giving? It is a sketch that will sit best in a service on the subject of charitable giving.
Staging: No special staging is required.
Two women meet in the middle of the stage. One wears a very bright and thick wrist band.
SARAH: Hi Jennie. Nice wrist band.
JENNIE: Thanks. Im showing my support for charity.
SARAH: Oh right. Which one?
JENNIE: I cant remember.
SARAH: Oxfam? Save The Children? Society for the preservation of wrist band makers?
JENNIE: (She reads the band) No, this ones for Stop the cruelty to kiddies.
SARAH: Good cause. Good cause.
JENNIE: I do a lot to support them.
SARAH: Do you?or
Theme: Although Jesus specifically asked us not to judge others, its something we do all the time, and at the worst extreme we might suppose we know the mind of God well enough to judge who would be allowed into Heaven, and who would be denied. In this sketch, a security guard claims this role for himself and tries to deny access to someone who fits the visual stereotype of a terrorist. A sketch that can be used to illustrate that we dont have the right to choose who enters heaven, and also a sketch that shows we should not judge people by appearances.
Staging: The security guard should be dressed in uniform and the terrorist in garments that suggest a middle east origin. This is deliberate use of a stereotype to force the audience into immediate judgements which are ultimately challenged.
A rather officious man, in uniform, stands with a clipboard. A scruffy, (possibly bearded foreigner) approaches him, wearing a tea towel on his head. The scruffy man looks unsure about where hes going.
Official: Morning sir. How are you this morning?
Scruffy: You trying to be funny?
Official: No offence sir, but youre the one wearing a tea towel on your head. I think its you whos trying to be funny.
Scruffy: This is my national head-dress.
Scruffy starts to walk past the official.
Official: Just a second there sir. Can I see your passport?
Scruffy: Passport? No-one said anything about needing a passport.
Scruffy: Where in the Bible does it say you need a passport to get into heaven?or
Theme: Our celebrity obsessed modern media is forever telling us how to live, dress, behave etc. This sketch challenges the audience/congregation to question whether the magazines we buy are helping them or hindering them. A good sketch for a secular audience too.
Staging: A simple table, covered by a cloth, will serve as a counter for the shop keeper to serve at.
A young woman goes up to a shop counter, where the assistant is already standing.
ASSISTANT: Good morning Jennifer, how are you today?
JENNIFER: Fine thanks. Is my magazine in? I cant see it anywhere on the shelf.
ASSISTANT: Ill have a look.
Assistant looks under her desk, and will continue to look throughout, hardly paying attention to Jennifer.
ASSISTANT: Ill find it in a minute. Before I do though, I must say, your hair is looking lousy this morning.
JENNIFER: Do you think so?
ASSISTANT: Terrible style. Doesnt suit you a bit. Makes you look very old.
JENNIFER: I did wonder.
ASSISTANT: And that dress.or
Theme: Jesus asked us to love our enemies. What would happen if our world leaders really followed that idea and decided to love their enemies? In this sketch the President of the worlds biggest superpower gives it a try.
Staging: The President should sit behind a desk. If you can construct a display board behind the desk with a military map on it, it will help to create the war-room image.
President sits at his desk. An aide comes to talk to him.
AIDE: Mr President. I need to talk to you about our plans for the war.
PRESIDENT: Sure Ed. Fire away.
AIDE: At last! We get to fire at something.
PRESIDENT: No, Ed, that wasnt an order. I just meant shoot, I mean, tell me what youre thinking.
AIDE: Well, sir, I know youre supreme commander and everything, but I think your strategy is somewhat, erm, well, its somewhat. unorthodox
PRESIDENT: Phew. For a moment I thought you were going to say it was crazy.
AIDE: Well, unorthodox could be seen as a euphemism for crazy.
PRESIDENT: Dont use words I dont understand Ed.
AIDE: Very well sir. Your strategy is just plain crazy.or